Tha Dunt See That Ivvry Day!

Last week, ah did a reight rare thing, an’ went aat ter a posh new restaurant wi mi mate Joe Sykes an’ ‘is missus, Paula! It wer’t’ fust time we’d bin aat t’gether since she’d welped.

Whilst theyer, ah cudn’t ‘elp notice that t’ bloke wot served us, ’ad a spoon in ‘is shirt pocket. F’ a second, ah thowatt t’ me sen, “That’s a tad strange like?” Then dismissed t’ thowatt again instantly. But when t’ waiter brung over our watter an’ dooberies, ah noticed ‘e ‘ad a spoon in ‘is shirt pocket an aal. Then, as ah looked araand, ah saw that aal t’ staff ’ad spoons in theyer pockets.

When t’ waiter cum back wi our soup, ah says, "What’s wi aal t’ spoons in tha shirt pockets? Did tha get a job lot daan t’ market?

Well," ‘e says, "t’ restaurant's owners hired a consultant t’ revamp aal our processes. Atter several months o’ study, ‘e concluded that t’ spoon is t’ most frequently dropped utensil. An’ on average, like, araand three spoons get dropped per table per hour. If us staff are better prepared like, we can reduce t’ number o’ trips back ter t’ kitchen an’ save abaat 15 man-hours per shift."

“Well ah’ll go ter t’ foot o’ our stairs!”, ah said.

As luck wud ‘ave it, ah dropped mi spoon an’ ‘e wer able t’ replace it wi ‘is spare. "Ah'll get another spoon next time ah go ter t’ kitchen instead o’ leggin’ it theyer reight nah", e’ says. Ah ‘ave ter admit ah wer’ impressed.

Then aal o’ a sudden like, Paula started giggling. Joe an me jus’ looked at ‘er as if ter say “Wot the …..?

“Look” she says, “t’ waiter ‘as a small piece o’ string ‘anging aat o’ ‘is fly.”

“An ‘e’s not t’only one!” says Joe. “Tha dunt see that ivvry day!”

Lookin’ araand, ah realised that aal t’ waiters ‘ad t’ same small pieces o’ string hanging fra theyer flies. So afore ‘e walked off, ah asked our t’ waiter, abaat it.

"Excuse me”, ah says, “but can tha tell me why tha has that string reight… there?"

"Yes sir!" ‘e says, lowerin’ ‘is voice. "Thankfully not everyone is as observant as thee! That consulting firm ah mentioned, aalso faand aat that we can save time in t’ loos an aal. By tying these ‘ere strings ter t’ tip o’ us know wots, we can pull ‘em aat wi aat touchin’ ‘em an’ eliminate t’ need ter wash us hands, shortening t’ time spent in t’ bogs by 76.39%."

"Well ah never!” ah says.

Then thinking on me feet, ah ask, “After tha gets it aat, ‘ow does tha put it back?"

“Well", ‘e whispered, "I dun't know abaat t’others, but ah use t’ spoon."

Big Ron Has A Flutter!

T’other day ah wer’ aat in t’ Yorkshire Dales ‘avin’ a chin wag wi me mate Big Ron, an’ generally puttin’ t’ world t’ right – when t’ subject o’ technology cum up. Appen ah mentioned ter ‘im ‘ow aal t’ little lasses queuing at t’ school bus stop stand theyer next t’ each other an’ text rather than simply open theyer gobs an’ say summat! “Bleedin’ barmy!” ah says.

“Aye” replies Big Ron, “An it in’t just t’ small uns neither. Last week ah wer’ up in t’ high pasture doin’ what us ‘ill farmers do like, wen suddenly aat o’ a claad o’ dust, cum this ‘ere brand-new BMW X5 barin’ daan on me like a greyhound on a hare. At t’ last second, it did a hand brake turn an’ stopped reight next to me. Ah tell yer, ah nearly cacked me sen, ‘it wer’ that close!”

“Wot appened?” ah asked ‘im.

“Well,” say Big Ron, “T’ driver, wer’ a posh lookin’ yewth in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses an’ Yves Saint Laurent tie. Appen ‘e thought ‘e looked reight dapper! Ah thought ‘e looked a bit o’ a tit. Onny road, ‘e leaned aat t’ window an’ says ter me in perfect Queens English: "I say my good man, you look like a betting sort - if I can tell you exactly how many cattle you have in your heard, will you give me one?”

“Well f’a second ooer three, ah wer’ a bit gobsmacked. But tha knows, ah do like a flutter on t’ osses, so aater givin’ it a bit o’ thought, ah said "OK, aye".”

“Well, t’ posh little sod parked ‘is car, whipped aat ‘is iPad2 an’ connected it ter ‘is iPhone 4S, then ‘e surfed t’ tinterweb thingie f’ a NASA web page wayer ‘e called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned t’ area, an’ then oppened up a database an’ an Excel spreadsheet wi’ complex formulas. Ah only know this coz t’ cocky little bugger kept up a runnin’ commentary o' wot ‘e wer’ doin’ like. ‘e then sent aat an email an’ atter a few seconds got a response. Finally, ‘e prints aat a 130-page report on this tiny HP Nano printer, turns ter me an’ says, "You have exactly 1586 beasts in this heard."”

“"Kinell", ah said genuinely flummoxed. "Appen tha’s reet! So as a bet is a bet, tha best pic a cow then." So tryin’ ard not t’ get ‘is suit dirty, t’ yewth selected one o’ mi animals an’ spent abaat ‘alf an hour tryin’ ter bundle it inter t’ back o’ ‘is car.”

“Nooo” ah says to Big Ron. “Wot ‘appened next?”

“Well ‘e wer’ just abaat ter get into ‘is vehicle his sen, when ah says: "’ang on yewth, fair’s fair. If ah tell can thee exactly wot tha does f’ a livin’, will tha gi me back mi animal?"”

“"OK, as you say, fair's fair, why not." ‘e answered.”

“"Appen tha’s a government consultant." ah says.”

“"That's correct." says ‘e, "but how did you guess that?"”

“"No guessing required." ah says. "Tha's clearly a soft southern jesse. Tha turned up ‘ere although n’body called thee. Tha wants ter get paid f’ summat ah already knew, in answer ter a question ah never bloody asked! Tha believes wot tha reads in reports rather than sees with yorn own eyes, an' tha's got absolutely no respect f' t' countryside!"

 "Mooare importantly tha clearly knows nowt abaat us Yorkshire folk, nor farmin’neither. This, ‘ere’s a flock o’sheep - now give me back mi dog!"”

T’ Difference Betwix Grandmuthers an’ Grandfatthers?

Ast tha ivver wondered wot t’ difference is betwix Grandmuthers an’ Grandfatthers? Well, ah’ll tell thee nah:

In a taan not far fra ‘ere, ther wer this lovin’ grandfatther oo allus med a reight special effort ter spend time wi ‘is son's family at t’ weekends. Ivvry Sat’day morning, ‘e wud take is 7-year-old granddaughter aat f’a drive in t’ car f’ sum quality together time.

One particular Sat’day ‘ow ivver, t’ owd bloke ‘ad a reight bad cold like an’ weren’t up ter tekin’ t little lass aat. ‘e knew ‘is granddaughter allus looked forwud ter theyer drives an’ wud be reight ‘eart sluffened if she cuddn’t go. So t’ owd man asked ‘is missus ter take ‘er in stead. Ter be honest, she wor reight glad o’ t’ opportunity so jumped at t’ chance – an’ off they went ‘and in ‘and.

Appen when they returned, t’ little lass anxiously ran up t’ stayers ter see ‘er grandfatther oo wer still recoverin’ in ‘is bed.

"Well, did tha enjoy tha sen on t’ ride aat wi tha grandma?" ‘e asked.

"Oh, yes, Grandpa, it wer lovely” she says.  “We didn't see a single asshole, piece o’crap, ‘orse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, or son o’ a bitch onoy wayer!"