“Wassup?” asked ‘is right ‘and man, t’ Arch Angel Gabriel. “Tha’s been reight crotchety f’ chuffin’ days nah! “Has tha piles come back?”
“Nay lad” says God doin’ ‘is donkey impression. “Ah’m fair 'eart-sluffened! Tis t’ decedents o’ Adam wot’s givin’ me grief. Since ah last ‘ad words daan theyer, ‘appen t’ lot o’ em ‘ave gotten reight wicked an’ arsy like. Can’t understand wot’s made ‘em inta such a morky bunch o’ selfish bastards. Ah’ve nurtured ‘em, looked after ‘em, an’ given ‘em aal soarts o’ good stuff like, so ah’m totally pigged off nah! Ah’m seriously thinking o’ scrappin’ t’ whole planet an’ startin’ aal ova agayen?”
“By ‘eck” says Gabriel. “Saands a bit drastic ter me, like”
“Yup.” Says God nodding sagely. “But ah can’t just leave it as it is! Appen some o’ them bankers daan theyer are tekkin t’ mick!”
“Wot abaat three strikes an’ theyer aat?” says Gabriel helpfully. A’tter all, aint thee supposed ter be a compassionate God like?”
“Nay, tis too aat o’ hand f’ that”, replied God, “if ah don’t set an example nah, in a few thaasand years t’ whole universe ’ll be revoltin’.”
“Mind tha dunt wash t’ babby aat wi t’ bath watter”, says t’ Archangel, “Ah thorwatt that tha liked aal t’ animals tha’d created. Especially tha one made fra aal t’ bits left ova fra t’others. That duckbilledplatywotsit. An’ t’ be totally honest like, ah’m not sure ah can do another night suppin’ t’ elixir o’ life whilst thinkin’ up names f’ em aal agayen. Me brain’s still hurtin’ fra last time!”
“Spose tha’s got a point, like. Ah could save t’ animals?” mused God. “An’ ther’ is this one bloke daan theyer that’s nivver been in ony bother. Maybe if ah got ‘im an ‘is family ter build a bloody ‘normous ark, ter save t’ animals whilst ah flood t’ rest o’ t’ world – appen they could repopulate it afta aal t’ watter’s gone? Wots tha reckon?”
“Saands like a plan ter me!” replied Gabriel (thankful fra not ‘avin ter suffer another eternal hangover). “But I’d restrict it ter jus’ two o’ each kind o’ animal ooer tha’ll not get t’ ark ter float like!”
So God leans daan thru t’ claad an’ calls ter Noah, "Ey up Noah!" ee says.
“Chuff me!” say Noah. “Does tha ‘ave ter go sneakin’ up on a fella when ee’s mindin’ ‘is own business – ah almost cacked me sen!” And suddenly realisin’ oo ee wer talkin’ to, ee lets go o’ t’ sheep an’ ee says,"oh, ey up God. ‘ow's tha bin?"
And God says, "Not reight well luv, - ah 've decided ter destroy aal mankind."
"Bugger!" says Noah, cos ther int a reight lot tha can say ter that is ther?
So God says a bit moare.
" Appen everyone must die," says God. "Cept you an’ yoaar family like. Build thi sen a booat from resinous wood an’ tar an’ stuff, an’ mek decks an’ stalls aal ova t’ place. It ‘as ter be reight long, an’ reight wide, an’ reight deep, an' aal. An’ put three decks in it luv, an’ a door int side like," says God. "Because Lo!..."
"Lo what?" says Noah.
"I ant finished yet," says God. "Stop interrupting will tha...Because Lo!...ah’m goin’ ter cover t’ earth wi a flood an’ destroy mankind an’ aal ‘is crooked ways."
"Kinell!" says Noah. "Tha dunt do things by halves dust tha?!"
" An’ wot tha's got ter do is dead simple” continued God, “Tha's got ter get a pair o’ ivvry animal... a bloke an’ a missis... and get 'em into t' old booat afore it starts persistin’ daan real heavy. Bring in a pair o’ each type o’ bird... an’ animal... an’ reptile...."
"And fish?"
"Don't be daft Noah. We’re talking abaat a flood – not a barbeque"
"Oh eye” says Noah.
“And don’t forget ter build hives for the bees – ark-hives. Oh, an’ one last thing Noah - tha’s got jus’ one year t’ build t’ ark afore it starts raining cats an’ dogs!”
“Well at least that’s summat we won’t ‘ave ter collect then” says Noah – an’ off ee goes ter build t’ ark.
Nah Noah, oo wer' married ter Joan, (nay - not that Joan of Ark) had three sons: ‘Ham’ oo wer allus stuffin’ ‘is face; ‘Shem’ oo wer’ battin f’ both sides; an Japeth who got is name when at his baptism, t’ holy man said “I name this child.....” an’ promptly sneezed.
So Noah set each o’ ‘is sons ter work on buildin’ t’ ark as instructed by God – followin’ plans drawn up by t’ Capitan O’Heaven, t’ Archangel Michael. An’ ee set each o’ their wives t’ start collecting t’ animals.
But Ham, Shem & Japeth weren’t t’ brightest o’ suns in t’universe - so appen as not they ‘ad a spot o’ teethin’ trouble. Fust they made a giant tortoise - coz t’ plans wer upside daan. Then they put t’ dooar in t’ bottom. (This wer later converted into a poop shute – well it ‘ad ter go somewhere didn’t it?) Then t’ Tahn Caancil argued that t’ brothers dint ‘ave plannin’ permission ter build an ark in Noah’s back yard – an’ t’ Equal Opportunity Commission complained coz ee wern’t hiring Croatians.
It weren’t plain salin’ f’ t’ wives neither! T’ Huntin’ an’ Fishin’ Brigade kept takin’ potshots at aal t’ rarer critters - whilst t’ Animal Rights Liberation Movement kept tryin’ ter set ‘em free agayen. So appen aal these constant delays meant they ‘ad ter burn t’ candle at both ends an’ work thru t’ night ter meet God’s deadline. T’ local folks, still takin’ t’ piss like, nicknamed aal t’ night candles ‘floodlights’.
Meanwhile, Noah tried ‘is ‘and at preachin t’ people oo gawped at ‘s efforts – sayin’ “Repent or tha’ll draan neath t’ weight o’ tha sins!” But t’ fokes jus laughed at ‘im an’ continued their wicked ways.
Eventually, t’ last nail went into t’ ark, an’ it wer sealed an’ fully waterproofed. So Noah took ‘is family an’ all t’ animals on booard. An’ as t’ animals went in two by two, t’ lads cum up wi this reight catch little ditty. Mrs Noah watched on shakin ‘er ‘ead saying – “I’ve ‘eard ivvry thing nah!”
So theyer they aal wuz like, aal packed in an’ tucked up in t’ ark like fleas on a cat – but fra seven days it did not rain! An’ each day Noah an’ ‘is family heard t’ mocking cries o’ t’ people aatside. “Oi, yer soppy sod! Ah thowatt yer said it wer gonna rain like? Tha’s nowt but a wet lettuce – all wind an’ watter! A big drip! Why dunt tha sod off?” Ivvry day t’ folks shaated rude things at ‘im, an ivvry day ee remained calm an’ continued ter invite ‘em inside ter be safe. But none wud join ‘im.
On t’ seventh day, ther’ wer’ suddenly this great big bang, as God ‘imsen shut t’ great dooar on t’ ark. An’ jus as Noah (oo ‘ad almost cacked imsen agayen) wer pickin ‘is heart off t’ flooar, ee felt t’ first drop o’ rain watter on ‘is skin. Appen it wer’ quickly follud by another, then another. Soon t’ eavens ‘ad opened an’ t’ rain wer heavier than owt Noah had ivver seen.
As ee watched, t’ skies turned black, lightening struck, an’ incredible winds blew. Rain fell on t ‘eath like t’ eaven’s ‘ad bin ripped open an’ wer poorin’ its guts aat. Rivers quickly filled an burst their banks, flooding inta ‘ouses an’ streets, an’ t’ watter kept rising, an’ rising, an rising.
Born aloft this ‘ere great tumult t’ ark sailed serenely away unharmed by t’ devastation being reaped all araand it. Up an’ up it lifted on t’ face o’ t’ watter whilst below towns, cities an’ even maantains disappeared under t’flood. F’ forty days an’ f’ forty nights t’ rain cum daan blotting aat ivvry breath o’ life on t’ whole planet - until only those on t’ ark wer’ left alive. Thus Noah became ter fust man in ‘istory ter float ‘is stock whilst t’ rest o’ t’ world wer’ in liquidation.
Fra above, God sat on ‘is claad an’ regarded t’ earth. No mooare people shattin, daan mobile phones, no superwoofer speakers in chav cars, no blood sucking legal professions, no speed cameras, parkin’ tickets or politicians, no queues, fuel cost hikes, terrorist attacks, clowns or chuffin’ spiders. Then ‘e rembered that t’ spiders wer already on t’ ark. “Bugger” ‘e said. “Ah knew ah’d forget summat!”
Behind ‘im, Gabriel looked ova ‘is shoulder shakin’ is ‘ead. “Ah reckon thee might ‘ave ova done it a tad this time!” ‘e said softly. So whilst ‘e thowat abaat this, God left t’ flood watter covering t’ earth - but after it ‘ad stood cold f’ a while, Gabriel reminded ‘im ter pull t’ plug aat.
An so it came ter be, like, that on t’ 150th day, God turned on ‘is hairdryer an’ sent a warem wind ower t’ earth ter recede t’ watter. An’ so by t’ end o’ day, t’ ark come ter rest on top o’ t’ great mountains o’ Ararat. Nah that said, beyond t’ pinnacle o’ t’ mountain, ther’ wer no other land in sight, so ‘appen as not ther’ wer’ nowhere ter disembark fra t’ ark. So Noah waited f’ another 40 days where upon ee sent aat a dove. But t’ dove couldn’t find any perch ter land on above t’ watter line so it returned ter Noah desperate for a rest like.
A week later Noah releases t’ dove again. This time it returned wi a freshly plucked olive leaf in it’s beak – so nah Noah knew t’ watter wer going daan. A week later agayen, ee released t’ dove f’ last time – coz it dunt come back at aal. Fra this, Noah knew t’ watter ‘ad receded fra t’ earth.
Then God spoke ter Noah agayen: “Ey up luv” says God. “Tha can come aat nah. An bring everything wi thee. Ah want thee ter go forth an’ repopulate t’ earth wi everything that is good!”
“Aal reight” says Noah lookin’ araand at t’ empty landscape. “Might take us a week or three tho!” An’ off he went into the land singing “Oh for the wings of a dove!”
An as God leaned back on ‘is fluffy white claad an’ watched t’ men an’ beasts go forath inta t’ land, ‘e smelled t’ sweet clean air, felt t’ warem sun on ‘is fissog, an’ ‘e thought life wer reight grand once mooare.
“Tha does realise that thee almost dropped a bollock ther’ like”, says Gabriel sidling up ter ‘is gaffer.
“Wot u talkin’ abaat nah Gabriel” says God, narked ‘at ‘is bubble bein’ burst!
“In future, can thee remember that a God can only exist if t’ folks believe in im! An’ you wor set ter eliminate yer whole congregation in one hit like!” say Gabriel.
“Well ah’ll go t’ foot o’ our stairs” says God “appen tha’s reight. Ah promise fra nah on like, not t’ wipe aat life on earth, no matter ‘ow bad it gets. Cross mi ‘eart an’ ope ter die. But shoerly ah can still smite t’ odd solicitor, politician or traffic warden?”
“Oh yes” says Gabriel. “Ah think tha’ shud become mandatory!”
As ee watched, t’ skies turned black, lightening struck, an’ incredible winds blew. Rain fell on t ‘eath like t’ eaven’s ‘ad bin ripped open an’ wer poorin’ its guts aat. Rivers quickly filled an burst their banks, flooding inta ‘ouses an’ streets, an’ t’ watter kept rising, an’ rising, an rising.
Born aloft this ‘ere great tumult t’ ark sailed serenely away unharmed by t’ devastation being reaped all araand it. Up an’ up it lifted on t’ face o’ t’ watter whilst below towns, cities an’ even maantains disappeared under t’flood. F’ forty days an’ f’ forty nights t’ rain cum daan blotting aat ivvry breath o’ life on t’ whole planet - until only those on t’ ark wer’ left alive. Thus Noah became ter fust man in ‘istory ter float ‘is stock whilst t’ rest o’ t’ world wer’ in liquidation.
Fra above, God sat on ‘is claad an’ regarded t’ earth. No mooare people shattin, daan mobile phones, no superwoofer speakers in chav cars, no blood sucking legal professions, no speed cameras, parkin’ tickets or politicians, no queues, fuel cost hikes, terrorist attacks, clowns or chuffin’ spiders. Then ‘e rembered that t’ spiders wer already on t’ ark. “Bugger” ‘e said. “Ah knew ah’d forget summat!”
Behind ‘im, Gabriel looked ova ‘is shoulder shakin’ is ‘ead. “Ah reckon thee might ‘ave ova done it a tad this time!” ‘e said softly. So whilst ‘e thowat abaat this, God left t’ flood watter covering t’ earth - but after it ‘ad stood cold f’ a while, Gabriel reminded ‘im ter pull t’ plug aat.
An so it came ter be, like, that on t’ 150th day, God turned on ‘is hairdryer an’ sent a warem wind ower t’ earth ter recede t’ watter. An’ so by t’ end o’ day, t’ ark come ter rest on top o’ t’ great mountains o’ Ararat. Nah that said, beyond t’ pinnacle o’ t’ mountain, ther’ wer no other land in sight, so ‘appen as not ther’ wer’ nowhere ter disembark fra t’ ark. So Noah waited f’ another 40 days where upon ee sent aat a dove. But t’ dove couldn’t find any perch ter land on above t’ watter line so it returned ter Noah desperate for a rest like.
A week later Noah releases t’ dove again. This time it returned wi a freshly plucked olive leaf in it’s beak – so nah Noah knew t’ watter wer going daan. A week later agayen, ee released t’ dove f’ last time – coz it dunt come back at aal. Fra this, Noah knew t’ watter ‘ad receded fra t’ earth.
Then God spoke ter Noah agayen: “Ey up luv” says God. “Tha can come aat nah. An bring everything wi thee. Ah want thee ter go forth an’ repopulate t’ earth wi everything that is good!”
“Aal reight” says Noah lookin’ araand at t’ empty landscape. “Might take us a week or three tho!” An’ off he went into the land singing “Oh for the wings of a dove!”
An as God leaned back on ‘is fluffy white claad an’ watched t’ men an’ beasts go forath inta t’ land, ‘e smelled t’ sweet clean air, felt t’ warem sun on ‘is fissog, an’ ‘e thought life wer reight grand once mooare.
“Tha does realise that thee almost dropped a bollock ther’ like”, says Gabriel sidling up ter ‘is gaffer.
“Wot u talkin’ abaat nah Gabriel” says God, narked ‘at ‘is bubble bein’ burst!
“In future, can thee remember that a God can only exist if t’ folks believe in im! An’ you wor set ter eliminate yer whole congregation in one hit like!” say Gabriel.
“Well ah’ll go t’ foot o’ our stairs” says God “appen tha’s reight. Ah promise fra nah on like, not t’ wipe aat life on earth, no matter ‘ow bad it gets. Cross mi ‘eart an’ ope ter die. But shoerly ah can still smite t’ odd solicitor, politician or traffic warden?”
“Oh yes” says Gabriel. “Ah think tha’ shud become mandatory!”
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