Ast that ivver noticed, that wi t’ fust bit o’ sunshine in spring, a man’s mind suddenly turns ter thowatts o’ t’ fairer sex? Appen, this year wer no different…
Wen ah popped daan ter t' Angel this weekend, ah wer reight capped ter see half a dozen o' t' lads sittin' on a bench aatside.
"It’s ter warm ter be in theyer," says mi mate Big Ron, as 'e 'ad a swig o’ 'is ale. "Tis like a bloody oven, so us 'ave come aat f’ a bit o' fresh air. Mind thee, ther's still a few stalwarts inside, swettin' cobs.”
“Aye, but t’ view’s better aat ‘ere” said Joe Sykes whilst gawpin’ at a mini skirt on legs passin’ by. “
“Shame on thee!” ah says. “Tha’s a married man nah like, wi yon big daft bugger o’ a bairn an aal.”
“S”pose tha’s reight.” ‘e says. “An’ tha’d think that ah’d ‘ave learned me lesson by nah like.”
“Ey up” ah said, nudging Big Ron, “reckon ther’s a story cumin!”
Pretending not to hear me, Joe carried on.
“Abaat t’ time me an Paula ’ad bin datin’ f’ a couple o’ yeears, ‘appen summat in t’ spring air med us decide ter tek t’ fust step t’wards getting’ hitched. Both t’ in laws an’ outlaws seemed reight chuffed. T’ only problem wer’ ‘er kid sister.”
“Go on…?” says Big Ron an’ me in unison.
“She wor abaat twenty years old, fitter ‘an a butchers dog, allus wore tight mini skirts an’ low cut blouses. Fra t’ second we announced our pendin’ nuptials, summat cum over ‘er like a bitch on heat. Appen she’d regularly bend daan wen near me an’ make shuer ah got many a pleasant view o’ ‘er underwear.
Well it ‘ad ter be deliberate. She nivver did it wen she wer near onnyone else. I don’t mind tellin’ thee, it ‘ad me reight flummocked an mooare than a bit hot under t’ collar.
One day, t’ little sis’ phoned me, an’ asked me ter go ova ter check on summat f’ t’ wedding – summat Paula wer’n’t supposed ter know nowt abaat. So ah goes.
She wer’ alone wen ah arrived, dressed ter kill and smellin’ as sweet as honeysuckle. She gi’ me a big welcomin’ kiss like an’ whispered in me lug ‘ole, that she ‘ad feelings an’ desires f’ me that she cudn’t overcome, an’ didn’t really want ter neither. She told me that she wanted ter mek mad passionate love ter me just t’ once afore ah got married an’ committed me sen ter Paula.”
“Bloooody ‘ell” ah says, “What a to do!”
“Appen ah wer in that much shock” continued Joe, “ah cudn’t say a word. She said, ‘I’m going upstairs ter me bedroom, an’ if tha wants ter ‘ave tha wicked way wi me, jus’ cum up an’ get me.’ Ah wer gobsmacked like. Ah stood theyer frozzen ter t’ spot, like a wazzock on a pavement. Then, as ah watched ‘er go up t’ stairs, she pulled daan her panties an’ threw ‘em daan at me.”
Pretending not to hear me, Joe carried on.
“Abaat t’ time me an Paula ’ad bin datin’ f’ a couple o’ yeears, ‘appen summat in t’ spring air med us decide ter tek t’ fust step t’wards getting’ hitched. Both t’ in laws an’ outlaws seemed reight chuffed. T’ only problem wer’ ‘er kid sister.”
“Go on…?” says Big Ron an’ me in unison.
“She wor abaat twenty years old, fitter ‘an a butchers dog, allus wore tight mini skirts an’ low cut blouses. Fra t’ second we announced our pendin’ nuptials, summat cum over ‘er like a bitch on heat. Appen she’d regularly bend daan wen near me an’ make shuer ah got many a pleasant view o’ ‘er underwear.
Well it ‘ad ter be deliberate. She nivver did it wen she wer near onnyone else. I don’t mind tellin’ thee, it ‘ad me reight flummocked an mooare than a bit hot under t’ collar.
One day, t’ little sis’ phoned me, an’ asked me ter go ova ter check on summat f’ t’ wedding – summat Paula wer’n’t supposed ter know nowt abaat. So ah goes.
She wer’ alone wen ah arrived, dressed ter kill and smellin’ as sweet as honeysuckle. She gi’ me a big welcomin’ kiss like an’ whispered in me lug ‘ole, that she ‘ad feelings an’ desires f’ me that she cudn’t overcome, an’ didn’t really want ter neither. She told me that she wanted ter mek mad passionate love ter me just t’ once afore ah got married an’ committed me sen ter Paula.”
“Bloooody ‘ell” ah says, “What a to do!”
“Appen ah wer in that much shock” continued Joe, “ah cudn’t say a word. She said, ‘I’m going upstairs ter me bedroom, an’ if tha wants ter ‘ave tha wicked way wi me, jus’ cum up an’ get me.’ Ah wer gobsmacked like. Ah stood theyer frozzen ter t’ spot, like a wazzock on a pavement. Then, as ah watched ‘er go up t’ stairs, she pulled daan her panties an’ threw ‘em daan at me.”
By now Big Ron wer makin’ funny little mewlin’ saands an’ ‘is mouth wer openin’ an’ closin’ like a fish aat o’ water!
“Well ah stood theyer f’ a moment” says Joe, “then turned an’ headed straight aat t’ front door - wayer ah walked smack in ter me future fatther-in-law who wer standin’ aatside.
Wi’ tears in ‘is eyes ‘e ‘ugged me an’ said, ‘Tis champion tha’s passed us test wi yon little sister. Appen ah cudn’t ask f’ a better man f’ me daughter. Welcome ter t’ family lad!’”
“Nooooo!” ah says.
“Ee, that wer a bit too close f’ comfort!” says Big Ron (who had now found his voice agayen).
“Ee, that wer a bit too close f’ comfort!” says Big Ron (who had now found his voice agayen).
“Tha dunt know t’ half o’ it” says Joe, “Ah allus keep me condoms in t’ car!”
